How to Cope with Controlling Parents
This just came across my computer and thought I would share it with you. Many points were disturbing to me but before I share those I would like to get your reaction to the article. So, PARENTS, please send me your thoughts.
How to Cope with a Controlling Parent
from wikiHow – The How to Manual That You Can Edit
Being a young person should never mean that you are always under someone else’s thumb, even if it is your parent. Some parents truly love their children, yet because of their own insecurities, find it hard to let their kids fly on their own, or even express their own opinions. If you can recognize your parent as a controlling person, it will help you cope better in a difficult situation.
Steps
- Look at yourself. You’re a person, just like everyone else, and you deserve your own identity. If you find yourself always adopting your mom’s or dad’s likes or dislikes, consider why you do it.
- Identify your fear factor. Are you afraid that your mom and/or dad won’t love you any more if you don’t like nachos, while they do? Do you refrain from voicing questions about authority figures like politicians for fear of getting a long, boring lecture? Are you a little bit scared of your mom or dad? Do you find yourself going to one for guidance, but never the other; relieved when the other is not home? If one parent instills more fear than anything else, you may have a controlling parent.
- Ask yourself if your parent is a perfectionist. Often a controlling parent is extremely perfectionistic, driving you always to “be the best you can” and getting angry or upset over grades that are less than perfect, or finding fault with tasks you take on around the home. In other words, do you ever just receive praise from that parent, or is it always justified with a “but,” or “except…” Example: That is a beautiful little model you made. If not for that one little mess-up with the paint right there, it would be perfect.”
- Identify when so-called games are really control exercises. Some parents, believe it or not, become quite competitive with their children. In other words, a man will see his sons growing up, and suddenly realize that he is no longer that young bull that his sons are becoming. To maintain his “alpha dog” status, he may engage the son(s) in bizarre “feats of strength.”
- Example: The father points a finger and exclaims, “I have all the power I need in this one finger!” Then he will proceed to tickle one of them rather more forcefully than is pleasant. No amount of politely asking him to stop will work – the father will continue as long as any onlookers appear amused, or until he tires of it. The boy is not allowed to actually tell his father to knock it off – this would result in punishment. After tormenting his son in this way, the father will often say, “Come here, son,” and hug and kiss the boy, talking to him in a kind, fatherly way, and assuring the boy that he was “just playing with him.” The truth is, by giving the boy a little bit of what he craves (kind attention, love, and approval), he keeps the kid hooked into the idea that he really means no harm. But the message is clear: No matter what, I can control you – with just one finger.
- Know if your parent is a “collector.” Lots of controlling people tend to hoard things. Books, comics, furniture, toys from childhood… one of the recognizable traits of a controlling individual is that s/he has a hard time letting go of things, even if it’s just a box from a childhood toy. One of the ways your parent controls his or her world is by keeping practically everything s/he’s ever owned.
- Don’t touch his or her things. If your parent gets upset when you straighten her desk, put her clothes away, pick up a stack of magazines he was reading, or put his tools in the garage to make room for the family to eat dinner at the table, there’s a good chance you’re dealing with a controlling parent. This parent always wants to be the one to move his or her things, and nobody else.
- Think about whether there are other signs of controlling behavior. A controlling person rarely just attempts to control one person. Do others in the family or among your parents’ friends get this treatment, too? It will be more subtle from adult to adult. But it can take many forms, such as always showing up late (s/he controls when the party starts, because it doesn’t really start till s/he gets there), or overturning the original plans in favor of something s/he wants to do instead. Also, “one-upping” is a usual trait of a controlling person: Someone tells a story, and then your parent will chime in with , “Oh that’s nothing. When I had that job, I was blah blah blah…” Nobody has ever done as good a job, as hard a job, climbed as high, worked as hard, got paid as much.
- Consider whether status is important to him or her. A controlling person is often a little insecure. Does s/he tell people how much money s/he makes – even in subtle ways? “Yep, this cost a pretty penny, but I make a LOT of money and I can afford it.” Many times, reminding people of how much money they make is a way of establishing control, or at least allowing the parent to feel s/he has a superior position in whatever situation s/he is in.
- Watch for attempts to isolate you. Control is easier to establish and maintain if you have few people around besides your controlling parent(s). If your parent keeps you from grandparents, aunts and uncles, or friends, it’s a warning sign. Or, if your parent encourages relationships with others, but then says bad things about those people after they’re gone, that’s a clue, too. Saying things like, “Your uncle is a nice guy, but for a guy so smart about trout fishing, he is a complete doofus in business. His house is tiny, and he’ll probably never be able to do any better than that,” tells you that your parent does not respect your uncle at all – in fact, this kind of remark is intended to influence your opinion and respect for your uncle. What your parent is really saying is, “Listen to me, kid, because even though your uncle is nice, he’s a loser, and you don’t want to end up like him.” The parent then makes sure you realize that it’s his or her own advice you should always take, and never anyone else’s.
- Recognize whether your parent takes your successes and/or failures personally. A controlling person is a perfectionist, most of the time. A lot of times, parents – even non-controlling ones – live vicariously (which means, they experience it through others) through their children. They see you as their big chance to right wrongs they did, to help you avoid mistakes they made. When you mess up by bringing home a C instead of an A, you are berated for it, maybe even grounded, and studying is suddenly even more important than before. You feel like the parent is riding you harder than ever before, and the reason is that the parent identifies so strongly with you, that s/he takes your shortcoming as his or her own personal failure. By the same token, if you’re the starting quarterback on your school’s football team, and you score the game-winning touchdown, your parent may clap you on the back and then start taking credit: “That new training regimen we worked out has done wonders – see, didn’t I tell you that if you did everything I told you to, it would payoff big time?”
- Don’t fight it. There’s very little that sets off a bout of controlling behavior as quickly as defiance. Learn to go with the flow, and just let your parent vent his or her “stuff.” Be polite and compassionate, and remember – just like most of what goes on with this parent, it’s much more about your parent than it is about you.
- Learn to work with your parent. Most controlling parents are simply afraid that you will fail without their intervention. Because they are somewhat insecure, controlling parents feel it is necessary to involve themselves in every aspect of your life – some schools call them “helicopter parents” because they hover so low over their nearly grown up children. If you can discover what seems to mollify your parents, you will set them off less often, and make your own life much easier. For example, if you know that a note from your teacher telling them you haven’t turned in your last three homework assignments will result in you being grounded for two weeks or more, make sure you turn the homework in. It’s pretty simple really – do what your parents want you to do, and they will be less intrusive in your life.
- Establish your independence as early as possible. You may have to “play along” until you go to college. But if you are very smart (and most children of controlling people are – because controlling people are usually really smart, too), you will study hard in school and give yourself lots of options for college. Even if you go to school locally, it’s suggested that you try to live on-campus in the dorms, or anyplace other than your parents’ home. Get a job and help with your own living expenses (this is where that great GPA you had to earn comes in really handy – if you can get some scholarships to pay for tuition, you just need to come up with living money). The sooner you get out from under the shadow of a controlling parent, the sooner the parent will have no choice but to recognize your Declaration of Independence, and ratchet back the controlling behaviors.
Tips
- Remember that even controlling parents truly do love their children. They simply have a hard time relinquishing control, especially where their loved ones are concerned, mostly because they are afraid that if anyone other than they are in control, the worst may happen.
- Know that your parents (most of them anyhow) have your best interests at heart. The problem is that, by intervening for you so often, and inserting themselves into spaces where you should be bearing responsibility for your own actions and choices, they are robbing you of the learning experiences you will need to have under your belt if you are to learn good coping skills for life. Remind them that this is your homework, your grade, your responsibility – but be careful to do it respectfully and not in a way that will bring wrath down on your head.
- Remember that your life is yours alone. Your parents made their choices and had their chances, and it is your turn to make your own choices and decisions – and, yes – mistakes. If you cannot find the strength and will to rise up and live your own life, you will not be happy in the end.
- You only have to put up with being controlled as long as you are obliged to your parents. Once you establish your own independence, by getting a job and paying your own way, it’s much harder to control you.
Warnings
- In learning to “work” your parents, do avoid the temptation to turn into them – by learning to manipulate your parents and control your circumstances more often, you are running the risk that you will become a controlling, manipulative person, yourself. Remind yourself often that you did not enjoy being treated this way, and that you need to avoid these behaviors when you interact and form relationships with others.
- Sometimes parental control can become parental abuse. Know what your options are and get help if this is the case.
Things You’ll Need
- Patience
- Compassion
- Determination
- A job (or a scholarship)
- Inner strength
Related wikiHows
- How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship
- How to Deal With Impossible People
- How to Cope With an Overbearing In Law
- How to Cope With Annoying, Nagging Parents
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